Still Here

I know how irked I get when I check in with people through their blog and to my disappointment I find nothing new. No new post, no new stories, not even a simple pic of the kids. I have turned into that person. I am getting irritated at looking at my own blog and seeing the same old thing. I think I might scream if I see "English is Rough Enough" again.

Funk. That is what I call it. I am in a blog bog. I can not seem to get out of it. I feel like sometimes I have so many things to say, some fun and comical, and some insighful and thoughtful. Yet, getting the words from my brain to my computer is a feat so enormous that I have chosen to look the other way.

I have noticed that when I get like this it is usually during a time of great growth or stretching in my heart and mind with God. I sense that He is doing something in me right now. Maybe it feels just a bit irreverant to blog about it yet.

But I do know some of the things that are flowing through my thougths these days:

• I am profoundly aware of my age. Not that 38 is either young or old, but that it has happened all of a sudden. I know that it didn't just happen but that I maybe thought it wouldn't come so soon. My 20 year reunion was in August. I have been preoccupied with that 20 year marker in my life. What have I done, what have I accomplished, avoided, taken on, embraced and released? How have I used my time in life? Wisely or foolishly? That is only for me to answer.
• My relationship with God is not what and where I want it to be. This one is a bit personal so I will keep the details to myself here.
• We have only a short amount of time with our kids in our house and under our influence. I want to make the most of it. Just like my 20 year reunion snuck up on me, that day is coming when they are outta here! I know that we will never stop being their parents. But, having them close by is for just a smidgen of time of their whole lives. I don't want to miss anything.
• I realize that Sarah is profoundly different than Jacob. Other than the obvious, they learn diffently and at different levels. Sarah takes an enormous amount of time to teach a concept to. Jacob, not so long. She struggles in ways that I never thought would happen. I am her mother and it kills me to watch her stress over learning to read. There might be something there in her that will take more specialized intervention. My prayer to God is that he keeps my eyes open to strategies and resources available to her. This is bigger than me and much more than I can do on my own.
• I want to move. I am daydreaming of land and more space, slower pace of life and out of the fire/drought/brown areas of So Cal. I never in my life thought that I would ever think such things. I now find that that is all I think about.
• The committment of homeschooling is much bigger than I could have imagined. Kind of like when I was pregnant with Jacob. I knew in my head that it would be different with a baby. But until he was born, I could not possibly know what life would be like with a baby. How could I or anyone know? Same thing here. I read lots of books and talked to lots of people. BUT.... I am in it and it is a full time job.
• I am sooooo glad that we homeschool. I am fantastically grateful that God has put this desire in our hearts and that I have a husband that is incredibly supportive. Just for the conversations alone that we have with the kids are worth it all. I just wish that God would send someone to clean the house for us :)
• I don't sleep enough and I certainly need more rest. I can not believe that I am about to say this but .... I think I need to cut out the coffee and diet coke. This is gonna be hard.
• I need more alone time with my husband. Enough said!
• I want to spend more time with friends. Anyone want to go get coffee with me?? Wait, maybe an iced-tea?

Ok, peeps, how's that for a slice of my life? Too Much Information????/