Another funny email from my nephew.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I received a comment on a previous post about dinners. It is from my friend Mandy who moved to Colorado. Anyhoo, she said that she loves a dip recipe of mine. She and I have made a spinach dip and an artichoke recipe many times together.
I have to give credit where credit is due -
The spinach dip is an awesome recipe. Get a packet of Knorr Vegetable Soup. The dip recipe is on the back. It is seriously the best spinach dip I have ever had. It is a cold one.
The artichoke dip is from my friend Christy Platt. She made it at a Christmas party at her house and I loved it. I had called her three different times to get the recipe before I actually wrote it down and kept it. I love it sooooo much that I put it in our church cookbook.
I will give it to you here.
Christy's Artichoke Dip
2 8 oz pkg cream cheese
2T. olive oil
1T. minced garlic (from the jar)
1 cup sour cream
8 oz. fresh shred parmesan cheese
1/2 tsp. black pepper
1 dash crushed red pepper
2 dashes dried majoram
1 14oz can artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1/4 cup cooked spinach, cooled and chopped
Preheat oven to 350*. Divide cheese in half, set aside. Combine all ingredients, saving one part of cheese for topping. Pour into baking dish and bake for 40-50 minutes or until bubbly on top. Sprinkle remaining cheese on top and continue baking for 5-10 more or until cheese is melted.
UPDATE: I ALWAYS check with truthorfiction.com whenever I hear about this person saying this or that person being accused of that. Most often, the email stories are false or at best, severely misinterpreted. I received the following email this morning and loved it.
Sure enough, it is labeled as false. But only as far as the pray-er of this prayer. The actual prayer is real and was given before the Senate in 1996. The prayer rocks - no matter who prayed it.
Got this in an email today. It is sure worth sharing. Go Billy!
Billy Graham's Prayer For Our Nation
THIS MAN SURE HAS A GOOD VIEW OF WHAT'S HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY!
'Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.
We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free. Amen!'
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, 'The Rest of the Story,' and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called 'One nation under God.'
My new buzz word is this - Passive Belligerence.
I see it all of the time but could not quite find that perfect description of what I was seeing. It flew out of my mouth even before I knew what I was saying (not a huge surprise to those that know me).
Why is it that with puberty comes an attitude of passive belligerence? WWhy do some adolescents- and beyond in many cases - act as though the world ought to stop and cater to them? When did common decency, common sense and just plain ol' manners move to the end of the line?
One small example in within a myriad of more. Our school is right smack dab next door to the local middle school. Traffic jams are a common occurance on the side street between the two. This morning, I am leaving the parking lot, make a right turn toward the middle school. A student from that school jumps out in the middle of the street, with his baggy pants showing his chonies, cuts in between cars and slows his pace to match that of a crippled little old lady. He stops traffic and laughs at the drivers. His friends on the sidewalk are laughing at his antics. He then proceeds to flip off the drivers. All of the cars had to stop and wait while he did his thing.
What in the world is telling this guy that what he just did is ok? Who is feeding into this kid's life that this kind of behavior is tolerated and appropriate?
It scares me to think that my children will have to work with these people in the not soooo far future.
God's timing is just incredible. It is quite thrilling to me when I am dealing with something - whether it be a thought or an idea or maybe even an issue in my relationships - how he brings these little sparks of confirmation. Whhaaa??? You ask. You know when you are thinking about someone and then the next day their name comes up or you run into them at the store. Something like that.
For a while now I have been feeling very inadequate as far as feeding my family. I used to plan out weekly meals, shop accordingly and be very enthusiastic about trying new recipes, serving them to my family and in general, I was quite satisfied with myself. Somehow over time I let myself slip out of that discipline and therefore, let my meals take a backseat.
Last week Lenny and I decided that for grocery shopping we would do a cash system. The amount we chose is adequate for a family of four, however, planning and preparation are crucial to making it work beautifully. I sat down last week with my calendar and the mountain of great cookbooks that I adore.
I went to the grocery store and got what I needed for next 4 days. No problem. My dinner that night was Chicken Pot Pie. I made it while Lenny took the kids to church for their programs. It was awful. I ate one piece and threw it out. Wasted money, time and dinner there. While making the pie, I was also making this awesome chili recipe. I realized that instead of adding the ONE can of water, I had added SIX cans of water. That actually was a good thing as I had added double the amount of cayenne pepper. OOOhhhh gosh what am I doing?
Then I made a blueberry cake. That actually came out ok. Not fabulous but ok. Ok enough that Jacob asked for a piece for his lunch. Progress I suppose.
So why am I telling you all of this??? Because this morning I got an email from someone that I do not know about the value of cooking at home. I thought I was going to cry while reading it. Not because I can not cook or because I don't like to. And not because we are drive thru addicts.
But because this is an area that has been haunting me for quite a while. I believe with all of my heart that the core of society is the family. If the family fails, society fails. I believe that if children are not valued in the home by their parents, then they will try to prove their worth to themselves and others in not-so-innocent ways. And family mealtimes are a fantastic foundation to a rockin' family dynamic.
I try to following the campaign platforms. I know who I am voting for and why. But sometimes I feel like there is so much double-talk that my head spins, then I feel like I am not informed, then that leads to me questioning "hmmm why am I not getting this?" I engage in political conversations that wind up leaving me feel like a huge idiot. My son asks all kinds of questions about the election. Hooooo ya I am glad for that. But my answers seem so surface-like, so uninformed.
Am I faltering as a person? as a mother? as a citizen???
Then I read this article which gave me a new sense of how I am contributing to society.
I know this all sounds completely corny, soooo lame and the opening act to a yawn-festival, but it helped. And clearly I need all the help that I can get.
Read on.
Dear Friends,
In the United States, we are scant weeks away from electing a new resident. Globally, we've all watched our perspective economies hit new lows. The talking heads and news pundits have stirred our fears —we' re all worried about what comes next.
On September 11, 2001, we went through absolute devastation as we watched the horrors of what happened on that fateful day unfold before us, over and over and over again on television. FlynLady said then as she says now, we need to turn off our TVs and take care of ourselves so we can take care of our families.
We cannot change the world. However, we can change the temperature and climate of our own families, so to speak. The most personal change we can affect is the change within ourselves. That change has a trickle down result that can either warm our families hearts or further their fears. We cannot control the world's economy, but we can control our own!
One of the ways to do that is to cook at home. There is a three-pronged proposition that results in three huge positives: 1) we save gobs of money; 2) we better nourish our families bodies; 3) we nourish their hearts and souls.
We have over the years, in the name of saving time, thrown our cooking aside in favor of convenience. That looks different for many of us—for some, it could mean drive-thrus and restaurants and for others it could mean ready to eat frozen foods or just add water convenience viadried instant foods. The way to wisdom is through knowledge. We get that knowledge when we're willing to admit there are things that need to be changed up.
Perhaps your family budget needs changing up? The best and most dramatic way to get there is cooking at home. Eating healthy via eating seasonal whole foods will save you money. The notion that healthy foods are more expensive than eating unhealthy is a myth—there are ways to do it and save more than you ever thought possible.
One of my favorite methods for doing this is through soup. Yes, soup is good food according to the people at Campbell's. But making ityourself is a whole lot cheaper and healthier, too. Add to that, the ability of soup to be a forgiving meal—you really can't make a bad soup unless you burn it! Yes, there may be better tasting soups than my Cream of Green soup (my daughter gagged over it, but I liked itokay…not great, but okay!), but there is always a next soup if you're willing to go there.
To make soup, you need to start with a good liquid base. That means you need a stock or broth. You can do that with chicken, beef or vegetable broth to cook nearly any soup. In some soups, you can even use a fish broth, but you're limited on that one. I make mine with chicken bones from Rubber Chicken (it's on my website!) and carrot,onion and celery, simmer in water for about an hour. Then..ta da!You've got chicken broth.
Another way to get broth quickly is to buy it. I buy low sodium chicken broth and keep it in my pantry if I can't make a homemade one. Obviously, the way to keep soup at it's absolute frugal-best is tomake your own broth, but that isn't always possible. I have a wonderful soup recipe that I haul out this time of year and keep on hand. It's wonderful for cold weather, the sniffles and just watching your family's wallet. Here it is, in all its glory. Feel free to play with the ingredients—you can add just about anything. Justkeep the broth in mind and the core ingredients of onion, celery and carrot and the rest is up to you!
Here's my soup:Leanne's Basic Vegetable Soup Serves 12
1 large onion -- chopped
4 cloves garlic -- pressed
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 large carrots -- chopped
2 small celery stalks -- chopped
1 medium turnip -- chopped
2 cups green beans -- cut in 1" pieces
1/4 head cabbage -- chopped
1/2 teaspoon thyme
salt and pepper to taste
2 small russet potatoes -- peeled and chopped
2 cans diced tomatoes -- undrained
6 cups chicken broth
In a large soup pot, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Add the onion and cook till nearly translucent, now add the garlic. Don't let the garlic brown and saute another couple of minutes. Add the rest of the chopped veggies, sauteing for just a minute ortwo. You're not cooking them just sauteing for the wonderful flavor this quick step will infuse in your soup. Add the thyme and salt and pepper while sauteing.
Now put the veggies in the crock-pot, add the tomatoes and broth. Cookon low 7-9 hours (depending on your crock-pot) or high 4-6 hours (but all crock-pots are different, depending on size, age, brand etc. Remember, your mileage may vary).
Just before serving, gently mash some of the potato chunks against the side of the crock-pot to thicken the soup, give it a stir and serve.
Per serving: 88 Calories; 4g Total Fat; 5g Protein; 2g Dietary Fiber;9g Carbohydrate; 0mg Cholesterol; 658mg Sodium.Food Exchanges: 0 Grain (Starch); 1/2 Lean Meat; 1 Vegetable; 0 Fruit;1/2 Fat; 0 Other Carbohydrates.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
Grilled cheese sandwiches on whole grain bread and a spinach salad.
Quick Fixes for Variations on the Basic Chicken Soup:Now remember, don't do this to the whole pot of soup! Just the little bit you pull out to fix yourself for lunch, etc.
Quick Fix #1: Tex Mex Veggie Soup. Add some (eyeball it—how much doyou want?) canned black beans (drained and rinsed), a little bit ofcumin and chopped cilantro. Top with some tortilla chips and cheese,or serve with a quesadilla.
Quick Fix #2: Tuscan Veggie Soup. Add some (eyeball it again) canned cannellini (white kidney beans) or white beans (drained and rinse), a little bit of Italian seasoning and some chopped kale. Cook till heated through and the kale is tender.
Quick Fix #3: Minestrone Veggie Soup. Add some cooked pasta, a little dried basil and top with a fresh grating of Parmesan cheese.
Quick Fix #4: Autumn Veggie Soup. Add some diced acorn squash or butternut squash, some cooked brown rice, a sprinkling of nutmeg andsome chopped parsley.
Love,Leanne
29 : the number of phone messages I found on the phone today
September 19: the date of the first phone message
11:46: the amount of time it took to listen to and delete all 29 messages.
Debbie from Long Beach - sorry I didn't call ya back.
Atlantis Eye Care- I will be there for my eye exam.
Debbie from (Kid's school) : tuition is in the mail.
Amber: I miss you too.
Cheryl: thanks for the clothes you left on the porch.
Republican National Committee: thank you for urging me to vote for McCain.
Chase Visa: not interested in another card.
Sue Ellen: yes we are still on for sewing lessons on the 2nd.
And to the slew of other message leavers: Got the message and I probably have already taken care of it.
I do not like voice mail, I avoid it most of the time and if I had my way, all messages would be left via email. I feel like I am under obligation to return someone's call just because they left a message - kind of like I am an unwilling player in a volleyball game.
Is that weird?
What is the difference between this flag.....
and this one????
One of Lenny's favorite things to ponder is "what was it like 100 years ago"? He is always asking that about all kinds of places, things and people even. We can be at Disneyland and he will say, "100 years ago this was all orange fields." or in France, "What was it like to walk the streets of Paris?" Even in our own neighborhood he might contemplate what the now-major streets were like when they were just dirt or even a field.
Most of the times I just (forgive me) roll my eyes and tune it out. Sorry to disappoint you that I am not the perfect wife.
BUT today is a different day. I was perusing our city's little local newspaper and much to my surprise, I found a piece entitled "The Year 1908." I immediately ripped it out and thought to post it. Very interesting and kind of comical. Here it is:
The Year 1908
What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the year 1908:
Sarah's class does not have a class pet. But her teacher has a sweet little stuffed bear named Baxter that goes home with a different student each evening. Their homework is to take Baxter and help him journal about his evening at each home. Sarah had a ball with this little guy. He even came with his own sleeping bag, pj's and a backpack.
Having Baxter around was a piece of cake... compared to what was to come.
Sarah named her Jenny. Jenny the Guinea. 
Today in class we were learning seasons, months and holidays. As I said the name of each month, I had each student stand when it was his/her birthday month. When April came, I stood up. They asked me how old I was going to be. I cringed when I said, "cuarenta."
A few seconds later I see these two boys who usually act up and talk during class whispering. I ask them what they are talking about.
C: "He says that 40 is the new 20." and points to his neighbor E.
I ooh and ahh and thank him for that. Then,
E: " And I told him that all adults turning 40 say that."
Is that hysterical???
Then after class, a sweet little 6th grader comes up to me and says, "I can see your underwear lines." Aaaarrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhh.
People, if you have not seen the Saturday Night Live skit with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin - OH MY GOSH you are missing out.
I laughed so hard that I think I may have split my side open. Tina Fey is a dead ringer for Sarah Palin.
Funny. So stinkin' funny. Oh my it is funny. Check it out. NBC.com
I can not figure something out. If you can help me, please email me.
I type a documents and save it in Word. Sometimes it may be several pages long but I want to email just one of those pages, not the entire document.
Does anyone know how to attach a file to an email of just one page of a document without having to send the entire 5 page doc over?
Make sense???
September 11, 2001
I was sleeping soundly when my husband plopped down on the bed. He shook my shoulder and my arm saying to "wake up Donna, something has happened." I was yawning, fighting the urge to roll over and ignore him. Whatever it was, I thought, he could handle it.
"A plane has crashed into the World Trade Center earlier this morning. Then another plane crashed into the second tower. WAKE UP."
I jumped out of the bed and we turned the TV on to see what was happening. All of the sleepy thoughts I had just 30 seconds earlier were shattered as soon as the picture came into focus. Smoke screaming out of the WTC towers. Holy smokes, what was happening???
I remember feeling an enveloping sense of fear. A fear of uncertainty, of unknowing. A dread that this could not have been an accident. The first plane, maybe, but the second - NO WAY. Then to hear that the Pentagon had been hit, then eventually the plane in Shanksville, PA had gone down. I knew that someone was out to get us.
Lord, please help us I remember pleading.
My father had been visiting us from Alabama. He was out late the night before and had slept in. I remember knocking on his door, yelling for him to get up and come see what was happening. He watched in silence at what he saw, unable to find words to express what was in his mind.
Then we sat STUNNED as we watched the first down collapse, then the second. OH MY GOSH. It was as if some had stabbed us, then decided to twist the knife deep inside.
It was unbelieveable.
We spent most of that day watching the news. It was announced that all aircraft were to be grounded. Nothing was to be in the airspace over the United States of America. That had never happened before. Later that morning, we went out for a late breakfast. The restaurant that we dined at had an outdoor patio. While sitting out there, a helicopter flew right over us. The light chatter that had been filling the patio stopped immediately and a sense of danger took over. As soon as we all realized it was a military helicopter, we all let out a sigh of relief.
Things that were normal 4 hours earlier, now were different.
Life is different now. This is post 9/11. We mark time now sometimes with that date in mind.
MANY fireman and police officers lost their lives that day. Many families said good bye to their mommies and daddies that morning for the last time. Friendships were forever fractured and families for always were fragmented.
God bless everyone who jumped in to save what was crumbling. God bless the families who have had to learn to live without their loved ones.
God bless the City of New York, the State of New York, Washington, D.C. and God PLEASE bless the United States of America.
I have been teaching for a total of 4 days now and already I believe that I have the makings of an ongoing list of incomprehensible things that I have said or done. Each of these days, I have done something that quite possibly could be taken the wrong way. Now, in all honesty, if it were my child in the classroom and he came home telling me tales of what the teacher said, I would probably laugh. But then again, I am crazy that way.
I believe my list shall be titled "This Might Get Me Fired."
Today, while taking roll, I heard one of the boys laughing. I knew it didn't have anything to do with me, but in the spirit of razzing him, I said, "Are you making fun of me?" He quickly replied that no, he wasn't making fun of me because he loves me. Now I KNEW that he meant it in an endearing way, not creepy or anything like that. BUT..... I replied,
"Oh (student), I am sorry. I am married. It would never work between us."
And the entire class fell over laughing at this one.
Then later, another student asks to use the restroom. I reply, "Number one or two?" and look at him with every ounce of seriousness that I can muster. He quizzically stares then replies "Uh, number one."
"Ok then you may go."
WHAT WAS I THINKING?????????
I am sitting here on my bed with my new laptop computer (thank you Lover). I have been playing Chess Titans online while propped up with pillows. I love this. Jacob and I have been surfing the net while all cozy under the covers. This is new for us. We are used to having to fight to use the ONE and ONLY computer at the desk.
So I have been away from Blogville for the month of August. We have had a very fun and exciting summer, August being the pinnacle of summer fun - Disneyland, Sea World, spending time at the beach, Soak City, and lots more. I haven't had time to blog. Too much fun going on.
Oh, and I started a new job. I am teaching Middle School Spanish right now. I have a darling set of 8th graders who just make me laugh my head off. And I teach an Intro class to 6th and 7th graders. The 6th graders just stare at me still trying to believe that they are in middle school with this crazy new schedule. The 7th graders, well, they are just glad that they aren't on the bottom of the food chain anymore.
Jacob and Sarah both started school and LOVE their classes and teachers. I love them too. Both of them are committed to the kids and seem to really love the Lord! Yeeee haw!!!!!!!!
Falling asleep. Must turn computer off!
Good Night!
Ok, the very best things happened to me today. My friend Melanie called and said she and her family were coming over to visit. They are in town from N.C. for her sister's wedding so they decided to come by and plop down for a bit.
You have no idea how hard it was to get all five of these kids to sit still. I told them that if they would take a nice picture, then they could take a picture like.........
this one!!!!!
Sarah and who she thinks is her little cousin. Peyton is the most petite little girl - just perfect for Sarah to carry around and love on. And she has reeeeeeed hair. She looks like her dad but with her mom's hair color. 
Jeff and Melanie - thank you for coming by. I know this week is crazy for you with all of the family stuff. I loved seeing your kids and spending time with you. You have a beautiful family and I am blessed to have shared time with you all.
Love ya, Donna
PS... go for the fourth. Quickly!
Melanie Freshour!
Email me donnagisbert@yahoo.com or call Life Center to get my phone number. It is the same as it was wayyyyy back when!
I want to see you this week!
Donna
|
Add this to your site |
